Snuggle Me Senseless
by Thacmis
Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is a cranky mechanic who made a drunken bet with his friends. And he lost. Badly. Now Emma's signed him up, for an entire bloody month, to have one of the stupidest jobs ever created in history. Charles is a lonely professor, genius, billionaire and serial flirt who seems to have the perfect life but actually doesn't, at all. They meet. And things happen.


"I won, Erik."

"_I don't care._ I am not doing that. I will do anything else, but that."

"Sorry, sugar, that wasn't the agreement."

Erik growled and stared daggers at his friend - no, _enemy,_now - and hoped vainly that the figurative daggers would pierce Emma's stupidly smug grin.

"I won't do it," he said again, flatly.

Emma rolled her eyes and turned away with a flick of her gorgeously coifed blond hair. "You told me, 'I'm a man of my words'. And to date, you haven't proved that wrong. I won the bet. You're getting signed up to work for Snuggle Buddies whether you like it or not."

"What if I don't do it?"

"Well, no one's going to force you at gun point, if that's what you're asking. The only thing you're going to lose is your credibility. You reputation. Image. Honour."

Erik cursed. Emma got him there. If there was anything he prided himself on more than his ability to work magic with metal and engines and gadgets, it was his reputation as a scary baddie that never went back on his words. And knowing Emma, if he didn't go through with his side of the bet he made on one slightly drunken night with his friends at Hellfire Club, playing checkers or something equally stupid, all of his friends would know the next day, as though she had telepathically messaged them all about Erik's defect.

Languidly, his ex-girlfriend-turned-best-buddy studied her sparkly silver, perfectly manicured nails. Waiting for his answer.

Erik sighed in exasperation and fell onto the couch with his face in his hands.

"I'm glad to hear that, sugar," came Emma's voice. "But your answer was more of a formality. I called Azazel already. You're going to Snuggle Buddies Headquarters tomorrow at 3 o'clock to get briefed on your new job. Have fun, dear." Emma went to her bedroom and closed the door.

Erik felt like he was going to cry.

Emma was a great person. She really was. They'd been best friends at first, then lovers for a short while, moving in together, before both decided that they were better off as friends. But as much as he loved her as a friend, she was so _infuriating_. It was her nature, and for the most part Erik enjoyed her particular brand of insanity, but only when it was directed at other people.

Somehow, Erik had lit a bonfire of a beacon to become a victim.

And now, he was going to work part time as a freaking cuddle buddy for their friend's baby company. "Snuggle Buddies."

_Never get drunk again_, he thought with resolution.

* * *

><p><em>Snuggle Buddies.<em>

It even _sounded_ stupid.

He'd tried to advise Azazel against such a dumb venture, but apparently Azazel, Emma and Janos all thought it was hilarious and chipped into helping Azazel make his "dream" possible. It had started as a joke, but now it seemed to be monstrously popular, and Erik was gawking up at an enormous glassy building thirty stories high in the busiest parts of Manhattan, a "Snuggle Buddies" sign wrought in three tonnes of steel by the entrance, in a font too elegant to be appropriate for words "Snuggle Buddies".

"You've never been here, have you?"

"I thought the idea was just a joke."

"It _was_a joke. Now it's a _big_ joke with lots of money."

"Snuggle Buddies," he muttered angrily.

"Don't say that like it's a curse," Emma quipped beside him, wrapped fashionably in a stunning white cashmere sweater and scarf. "You ought to be proud of our Azazel. It's actually an amazing idea, you know. And you're going to be a part of it. Be honoured."

Erik silently fumed all the way through the entrance and up thirty levels to Azazel's penthouse of an office.

"Erik!" Azazel boomed, standing up from behind his large mahogany desk. He strode over and pulled Erik into a rib-crushing heart. "My friend. Thanks for choosing to work for SB. It means so much to me."

"I'm sorry, did you just say 'choosing'?"

"Emma, darling! _So_ good to see you again."

"Same to you, hun."

"We were together _last week_. Checkers. Remember?"

"Erik, don't be such a spoilsport," said Azazel amicably, pulling them both to a nicely designed sitting area on the other side of the office. Coffee and refreshments were neatly placed on the table already. "Come, sit."

They plopped down onto the dark red leather seats which, Erik had to admit, were pretty comfortable.

"So," Azazel began. "You're going to work for me."

"I don't understand why you want me to. I'm going to _lose_you customers." It was true, at least in Erik's mind. He had a tough, angular body full of hard muscles and sharp bones, and a smile that rivalled that of a great white.

"Nonsense," Azazel said, trying hard not to laugh. "people are going to _love_ you."

Even Emma giggled.

Erik rolled his eyes and reached for a butter biscuit.

"Even though you're here as a friend and I'm granting you many minutes of my incredibly busy and important schedule," said Azazel, tapping at a remote embedded in his armrest, "you still have to do some paperwork and sign some agreements, although it'll be less than usual because I've waived a few of them for you."

"That's so much trouble. Why are you doing this?" Erik asked, wiping crumbs off his lips.

"Because you lost a bet."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"Because it's fun? Erik, you're the grumpiest, most serious man I know alive today, maybe even in all of history. You need to lighten up a little or life is going to become one long rainy day for you."

"What's wrong with rainy days? I like them."

"Erik," said Emma in exasperation. "You really do need to smile a bit more. People walk a three meter radius around you because the grump you exude is thicker than expired peanut butter. It's bad for your own business too, haven't you noticed? Your mechanic shop is getting less customers every year."

"So think of this as a…gift of happiness, from your best friends to you."

Erik had nothing meaningful to say to such nonsense, and he waited as one of Azazel's secretaries brought up a package of paper with very small print.

"Here it is, your paperwork." His friend selectively pulled a few pages out and handed them over to Erik. "That's the general mission statement of Snuggle Buddies, that's the workplace policies, a couple of signed agreements here, regulations and rules…oh, here's the tax return form, you're getting paid for this at the same rate as a regular Snuggle Buddy…"

"Could you just let me know the brief process and the few big rules I must absolutely follow? All this other stuff is common sense, and you _know_ me, so let's just get this over with."

Azazel grinned. "So much trust in me. I'm touched. Are you sure you don't want to read them over yourself?"

"Azazel, please."

"All right. You'll have two parts to the job. In the first one, what's going to happen is an intermediary is going to email, phone, or text you - whichever you prefer - on the details of whoever had requested a Snuggle Buddy. The details include age, gender, address and times at which you can go to meet them. Reply back with the most convenient time, you'll get a confirmation, and then you can go."

"That's it?"

"Well, there's a more complicated process for regular employees, but since you're not really working here I've simplified a lot of it down for you."

"Okay," said Erik. "What's the second part?"

"You're going to be working in an office I've set for you." Azazel handed over a sleek black key card with Erik's ID on it. "Third floor, office number 27. It's a corner office with a great view of Manhattan. You'll be there for Quickies."

"Quickies?"

"A lot of people come by for quick cuddling sessions because they don't want to invite people over to their house, for private reasons. So they personally head to the source."

"So…they'll just be lining up outside my office and I just…cuddle…them one by one?"

"Pretty much," grinned Azazel.

This sounded like a nightmare. And incurable, far-gone insanity.

"…Fine. What else? Policies, rules…?"

"It's a pretty busy company, so you're going to be getting around twenty out-of-office cuddle requests every week. You're not allowed to refuse any of them unless you have proof of a valid excuse, or if you get hitched by a Regular. By Regulars, I mean a customer who requests for the same Snuggle Buddy on one of our Regular Plans."

Emma sipped her coffee elegantly, listening to Azazel's explanation. Erik had a feeling she was there to make sure Erik followed the rules properly and didn't shirk. Which was a little insulting, since Erik did say he was "a man of his words".

"As for absolute rules," Azazel continued. "There are just a few."

Erik nodded and picked up another butter biscuit.

"Since you're there as a job, you are absolutely forbidden to do anything beyond what is outlined on this pamphlet." He threw Erik a purple brochure. Erik looked at the big Times New Roman font and thought the criteria was easy enough. "All cuddles must be done with clothes on, shoes excepted. Another thing: you're not allowed to go out with any of your customers. That's the biggest rule this company has."

"Why?"

"You'll be mixing up work and private affairs for both yourself, your customer, and the company. This company offers purely platonic services; I don't want it to become a dating organization."

"Fair enough."

"And that's pretty much it," said Azazel, lounging back on his chair. "Questions?"

Erik shook his head, exhausted. Emma continued sipping her coffee.

"Right, then. Your job starts tomorrow at ten o'clock, and you'll get off at three. Wear something snuggly with warm colours. Black isn't a warm colour," he said as Erik opened his mouth. Azazel grinned his devilish grin. "Thanks again for coming to visit, my friends. Now, if you two will excuse me, Emma and Erik, I need to go back to work."

They all stood up and began walking towards the elevator, Azazel resting his hands on his friends' backs as he gently steered them. Erik stared numbly at the papers in his hand and rubbed his fingers over his tired eyes. He was going to have to ask Janos to fill in as temporary boss for his mechanic shop while he was away during the day.

As the elevator dinged and opened, he and Emma stepped inside and turned around to face the rowdy-faced Russian. "I'll see you tomorrow, Erik. Emma, take care of him."

She smiled sweetly. "I will."

Erik sighed again.

"You're only going to have bear with this for a month. It's not so bad. Someone like you could use some hugging."

"I've gotten on fine these twenty eight years."

"Only you seem to think so." Azazel patted him on the back and winked. "Anyway, don't be late."

* * *

><p>AN: Snuggle Buddies is an actual cuddling company, but I don't know anything about how the company works, its processes. I just saw its ad today and the name was just too cute to pass up.

This is my first Cherik fic in a very long time...and my interest in it is a little vague. I don't fic often, so encouragement is (I shamefully admit) quite, quite important to me. If you liked this fic and would like me to continue a bit more, I hope you don't mind letting me know.

Thanks for reading :)


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